The Perfidious Ankle: A Play in Three Acts

[swan_tower]

Dramatis Personae

YOUR HUMBLE BLOGGER, our heroine
YOUR HUMBLE BLOGGER’S RIGHT ANKLE, our villain
YOUR HUMBLE BLOGGER’S RIGHT KNEE, our tragic figure

Assorted other characters including a HUSBAND, a NURSE, a BOX OF PAPERS, a STAIRCASE, and GRAVITY.

Act One

YOUR HUMBLE BLOGGER is in the process of loading her car for the purposes of moving house. She is carrying a BOX OF PAPERS down a STAIRCASE. Six steps she navigates without difficulty, but on the seventh and final step, YOUR HUMBLE BLOGGER’S RIGHT ANKLE declines to perform its assigned duty, pitching YOUR HUMBLE BLOGGER headfirst onto the landing.

GRAVITY, which has been present in the scene since the beginning, takes center stage.

The BOX OF PAPERS is the first to receive the impact. (YOUR HUMBLE BLOGGER is still holding onto this BOX; she will, when she has leisure afterward, take a moment to be grateful that she is wearing braces on both wrists already.) By some miracle and mercy of Providence, the ANKLE does not take any of the weight GRAVITY has sent careening downward; it survives this entire drama with no perceptible damage, which is most unusual for our heroine’s life. The remaining weight falls upon YOUR HUMBLE BLOGGER’S RIGHT KNEE.

After a moment of shaken relief that she was not at the top of the staircase when she was so cruelly betray’d by her ANKLE, our heroine picks herself up and completes her task, carrying the BOX OF PAPERS to the car.

Act Two

On her way back from the car, YOUR HUMBLE BLOGGER notes that the right knee of her jeans is stained with blood. Grumbling in annoyance at the small split in the fabric, she goes upstairs. Here she grouses to her HUSBAND about the treachery of the ANKLE, then washes out the larger split in her RIGHT KNEE, which so nobly sacrificed itself for her. She places antiseptic ointment and a bandage upon it, puts her stained jeans to soak, and goes about her business.

Four hours later, it comes to her attention that the wound is continuing to bleed — not copiously, but enough to draw attention. She concludes it would be wise to change the bandage and renew the antiseptic. In the process of doing so, however, she notes that the skin around the wound does not move in the fashion she expected; its behavior implies greater depth to the split than she had originally estimated.

With trepidation, she asks her HUSBAND whether he concurs. He does. She, in a state of great vexation, gathers her belongings and goes to the hospital.

Act Three

We shall not try the reader’s patience, nor their fortitude, by recounting every detail that transpires at the hospital. Suffice it to say that a friendly NURSE cares for the valiant RIGHT KNEE, straightening the edges of the wound and putting in seven stitches (the split is not so large, but as YOUR HUMBLE BLOGGER scars easily, she takes extra care in closing it). She contemplates putting our heroine in a joint-immobilizing support, but ultimately settles for an ace bandage and instructions for YOUR HUMBLE BLOGGER to remain off the leg as much as possible for a while, because standing, let alone walking/going up and down stairs/lifting heavy boxes would put strain upon the stitches. And so, suitably chastened, YOUR HUMBLE BLOGGER goes home.

Postscript

So that’s where things stand. This . . . puts an annoying spike in the process of moving, as getting to the car (or even moving around within either the source or destination residences) requires navigating stairs — which I can do, but toddler-style, step-together step-together. I am deeply annoyed at my ankle for deciding to stop ankling, and simultaneously relieved it didn’t happen at a higher elevation. My wrists are fine; my ankle’s fine; it’s just my knee, which has a little red smile, now sewn shut.

This is not how I wanted to spend my Thursday afternoon.

Originally published at Swan Tower. You can comment here or there.

Comments

[starlady]

Jesus, when you said you fell down the stairs you didn't mention the stitches or the ace bandage!

I'm so sorry again I wasn't around to help this weekend. I hope things went smoothly!

[swan_tower]

I didn't initially realize I would *need* stitches.

[uneasy-spirit.livejournal.com]

ANKLES are treacherous little bastards. ::glares at own right ANKLE, now held together with screws:: All Hail the noble RIGHT KNEE!

[swan-tower.livejournal.com]

Yipes. None of my ankle surgeries have involved screws, at least . . . .

[martianmooncrab.livejournal.com]

Gravity is not our friend... nope..

hope that the move gets done without further blood sacrifice..

[swan-tower.livejournal.com]

Well, my sister has already bled for this move; we just need my husband for the full set.

Which I would prefer to avoid.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Harumph harumph harumph harumph at your ankle, and sympathies at you.

[swan-tower.livejournal.com]

Seriously, this &#$@#! ankle.

[mindstalk.livejournal.com]

I see, a clever plot to get out of moving labor!

I mean, my sympathies, that sucks.

[swan-tower.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I don't even really mind moving stuff. I was enjoying making steady progress; now I'm dependent upon the kindness of friends to get anything done on that front.

[arielstarshadow.livejournal.com]

That's where things stand...

Unintended pun? ;)

[tiger-spot.livejournal.com]

O perfidious ankle! O tragic knee!

I hope you find able helpers for the rest of the move!

[alecaustin.livejournal.com]

Boo. Sorry to hear it, and I hope you can recover and also finish moving without further bodily treachery of this sort.

[klwilliams.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. I'm also sorry we can't help you move. Himself is up north, and I'm useless for that. Heal quickly.

[klwilliams.livejournal.com]

And, be careful on stairs when carrying boxes of books. This time it was just your knee. Remember David Hartwell.

[pameladean]

Yow. What does ANKLE even WANT?

P.

[mojave-wolf.livejournal.com]

Much sympathy. The bad thing about ankles is, once you sprain them once, they are much more prone to to give out again. Be careful about hurting other joints trying to compensate for it, too. & definitely keep it securely taped/wrapped moving or going up/down stairs for a while.