I want my body back.

[swan_tower]

I’m at the stage of surgical recovery now where the thought that keeps going through my head is, “I want my body back.”

When I take off the boot to let my skin get some fresh air, my ankle is still swollen, still discolored from the skin irritation, and scarred. It doesn’t look like my ankle; it looks like somebody else’s. In the early days of recovery, taking the boot off was scary, because I need to keep my foot in a flexed position and the post-surgical weakness made me afraid that I would accidentally move it too far. Now? I’m not afraid at all, because I couldn’t move my foot too far if you paid me. With every passing day, it stiffens up more, my ankle petrifying into a single position. At this point I’d feel pain from the muscles before I felt it from the repaired ligament. By the time I get to physical therapy, I’ll have nearly no range of motion at all.

I recognize that in the grand scheme of things, it could be far worse. I’m young enough, and the surgery was minor enough, that I expect to recover fully. I could be stuck with the sort of injury you never get over, the kind where you have to learn to live with the body you’ve got now, rather than hoping to regain the one you had before. But it’s still alienating. And I have cabin fever, not only for my house in general and my living room in specific, but for my own physical existence: my body isn’t moving very well, so I’ve got this increasing and pointless desire to somehow crawl out of it for a little while and go running around in the sunshine.

Clearly, I need to learn astral projection.

Fortunately, I’m near — well, not so much the end as a turning point. Unless something has gone horribly wrong, I’ll be out of the boot next week. Which won’t magically transform my ankle into its old self, but will mean I can do something other than just sitting around being patient. I made some physical therapy appointments yesterday. I’ll be able to walk without my legs functionally being two different lengths. I’ll put on jeans for the first time in a month. All of these are Good Things.

In the meanwhile, I sit here and keep thinking, “I want my body back.”

Originally published at Swan Tower. You can comment here or there.

Comments

[amstrock.livejournal.com]

That blows.

Hugs.

I would probably have gone mad already in your situation. Hang in there.

MORE HUGS! All of them!

[boojum42.livejournal.com]

Best of luck with your recovery. It sounds like all will be well eventually but it is totally understandable that it feels weird now. My sympathy.

[kendokamel.livejournal.com]

I hope the PT goes well! I can sympathize on the frustrations of waiting to heal.

[klwilliams.livejournal.com]

Oh, I get this. I had surgery for a torn meniscus three months after my nidan test. My knee still doesn't completely straighten, and having that stiffness and pain right after being in the best shape in my life was awful. I hope your healing is quick and easy. You should get back everything soon enough.

[swan-tower.livejournal.com]

having that stiffness and pain right after being in the best shape in my life was awful

That's a key part of it right there, yeah: I went straight from learning kusanku to barely being able to walk. I won't say it's the best shape I've ever been in, but I was doing karate for several hours a day, and then I was flat on the couch. The contrast makes this worse, in some ways.