The last time I saw the guy who date-raped me--let's call him Lou, since it's his name--it was at a dear friend's wedding. Lou was the best man. We still have many friends in common. When I saw him at the reception, I gave him a hug, rather to our mutual surprise. I was actually glad to see him. We hung out and chatted and caught up, as any two people might do when they haven't seen each other in ten years, and we parted on friendly terms, though neither of us has made any effort to get in touch with the other since then.
I don't think of him as "a rapist" (though I was furious when one of his later partners yelled "How dare you call the man I love a rapist!" at me when I dared to speak up about what he had done, and I do... retain the right, I suppose, to apply that label if I feel it fits). I do think of him as someone who emotionally blackmailed me into having sex I didn't want. Maybe he's still the sort of person who would do that. Maybe not. I don't know. But I've changed a whole lot in the past 17 years--half my lifetime!--and I expect he has too. I like to think he's probably become a better person, smarter and kinder and more mature. I like to think he's become someone who now cares a great deal about passionate active consent and "yes means yes", and who would no longer respond to a not-tonight-dear with weeping wailing misery that forces his partner to soothe him one way or another. It would have been entirely fair to call him a rapist when he was 18 and truly did not value my bodily autonomy over his own hurt feelings; I like to think he isn't one now.
So I would distinguish between "has raped someone" and "is a rapist" while still being quite uncomfortably aware, as you now are, that people in both categories are probably among my friendly acquaintances, and possibly among my friends. And while I don't mind that Lou and I have friends in common, if someone told me that I could not be friends with both them and the person who raped them--no matter how long it's been, or how that person has changed--I would respect that, because every survivor gets to decide which labels fit their particular situation and the person who caused them harm.
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yati
no subject
Date: 2012-08-23 06:48 am (UTC)To add another layer of complication:
The last time I saw the guy who date-raped me--let's call him Lou, since it's his name--it was at a dear friend's wedding. Lou was the best man. We still have many friends in common. When I saw him at the reception, I gave him a hug, rather to our mutual surprise. I was actually glad to see him. We hung out and chatted and caught up, as any two people might do when they haven't seen each other in ten years, and we parted on friendly terms, though neither of us has made any effort to get in touch with the other since then.
I don't think of him as "a rapist" (though I was furious when one of his later partners yelled "How dare you call the man I love a rapist!" at me when I dared to speak up about what he had done, and I do... retain the right, I suppose, to apply that label if I feel it fits). I do think of him as someone who emotionally blackmailed me into having sex I didn't want. Maybe he's still the sort of person who would do that. Maybe not. I don't know. But I've changed a whole lot in the past 17 years--half my lifetime!--and I expect he has too. I like to think he's probably become a better person, smarter and kinder and more mature. I like to think he's become someone who now cares a great deal about passionate active consent and "yes means yes", and who would no longer respond to a not-tonight-dear with weeping wailing misery that forces his partner to soothe him one way or another. It would have been entirely fair to call him a rapist when he was 18 and truly did not value my bodily autonomy over his own hurt feelings; I like to think he isn't one now.
So I would distinguish between "has raped someone" and "is a rapist" while still being quite uncomfortably aware, as you now are, that people in both categories are probably among my friendly acquaintances, and possibly among my friends. And while I don't mind that Lou and I have friends in common, if someone told me that I could not be friends with both them and the person who raped them--no matter how long it's been, or how that person has changed--I would respect that, because every survivor gets to decide which labels fit their particular situation and the person who caused them harm.